If it makes you less sad;
I hate myself. endlessly. Everytime I think about.. it, I can’t tell myself I am who I started to be when I met you. I’m lazy, I sleep all day, I don’t share the attention. I only miss you when you’re physically gone for more than 24 hours. I don’t know what happened to me. Remember when I used to be obsessed with a girl names Jenn
ifer? It took me a long time to throw that name out of my head. You, Allison, were my cure. But now you’re the one stuck on my mind. I can’t walk my day without thinking what you think of yourself and me. I say it l ike that because I feel like you hate yourself when you’re with me. I’m a horrible person that can’t even keep a smile on one per sons face. I suck at being a friend. I smoke cigarettes, you don’t. I had a bad accident on my day off, you don’t have any bad accident s. You’re going to school, I’m not. The list goes on and I can only think why you even got with me in the first place. I’m poison for you and that’s what I am to anyone else.
I can’t even stay on subject. The name Jen was on m
y mind for the first year of the relationship. I started forgetting important memories with that name slowly. It was being replaced with small happy moments with Allison. I wanted t o say I loved her, but I always felt a curl in my stomach when I thought about how shitty of a person I was and how I didn’t always get to.. not hurt her. I never hit her with and angry attempt. Never called her bad names o ut of angry attempts. Never saw her for sex only. Allison taught me what a pair of warm arms around me really meant.. and it’s what’s killing me.. that I sleep with only my cold arms.
I’m gonna type a part two of this only because I have work in 20 minutes.